hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
A bitchslap is in order.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize