Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
