): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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