And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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