I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
