I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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