The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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