I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
