Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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