why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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