I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
