Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
