Michael Bay diarrhea
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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