I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
