I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
