Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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