if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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