he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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