Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
