and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
