Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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