I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
