I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
