What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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