glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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