your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
