Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
