just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize