When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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