I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
