There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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