the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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