She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize