why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
