I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have fence marks all over my body
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
