we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
