Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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