Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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