I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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