pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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