Soap is not a condiment
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
