it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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