the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
