I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
