Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
