when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
