When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
