I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
