If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
