connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
