i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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