New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
