I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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