I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
