We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
