why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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