Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I need to stop coming to work sober
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
