she woke up with a sticky ear
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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