his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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